If you can believe it, DWTS wasn’t done there. Perhaps the most haunting of moments came when host Tom Bergeron surprised judge Bruno Tonioli with a clip from his past. Millions of viewers across the country were watching innocently, not realizing that they had tuned in that night to see soft porn. Yes, parents covered their children’s eyes as a clip of Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” music video played on the screen, featuring Tonioli wearing a spiked-collar around his neck and what appeared to be a woman’s headband around his lower half. I will never again be able to enjoy Elton John the way I once did.

Finally, it was Chelsea Kane and her partner Mark Ballas’ turn to dance with hair extensions, but I refuse to acknowledge their performance until “Dancing with the Stars” changes its name to eliminate the “Stars.” Singing a number with the Jonas Brothers doesn’t make you a “star.” ?I’d rather watch gator-hunting Troy Landry from the History Channel’s “Swamp People” take a turn around the dance floor. Now that’s a star. After all, he did catch his golden goose, the elusive 11-foot gator known only as “Big Head,” how original.

After last season’s debacle that was Bristol Palin, which caused such frenzy across the country that I am now truly ashamed to be an American, I thought ABC might as well quit; how can they ever match the events of 2010? And by events I am referring to the ever-powerful Tea Party, led by their fearless leader, Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin, out-voting the rest of America. They successfully kept her offspring-wielding offspring on the show all the way to the finals, so that we could so painfully watch her “dance,” a feat which felt strangely similar to witnessing a car crash.

Why bother trying after you peak? Well, the first episode of Season 12?I realized lace front wigs they had yet to peak. It was then that Kirstie Alley performed her own cringe-worthy act, when she stared into the camera and cupped her seemingly braless, very much?aged breast. I understand her point was to say, “Yeah I’m old and overweight, but I’m doing it anyway,” but at whose expense, Kirstie? I for one don’t appreciate the image that is now seared into my brain. But good for you, apparently the rest of America enjoys throwing up in their mouths, as they have voted you all the way to the finals (maybe we’ll get to see it one more time!).

So Monday night’s show included three dances from each pair poor Kirstie. Ralph and his partner Karina debuted with a lackluster Argentine Tango in which they danced seductively around a lamp pole that Bruno seemed to want to take the place of. Unfortunately, their Salsa was not any better. I’m pretty sure it was doomed from the start, when Ralph came out with a gold, silk button-up shirt that was partially unbuttoned, only to reveal a t-shirt underneath. Isn’t the point of unbuttoning a shirt when you’re dancing to Pitbull’s “I Know You Want Me” to show a little chest hair? But then again we’re talking about the eternally youthful Ralph Macchio, he still hasn’t grown chest hair.

Next up was Hines Ward and his partner Kym. Hines and Kim were visibly shaken, as Kym had to be carried out on a stretcher just a couple days before. It was?after Hines decided to take a break in the middle of a trick during practice, that he landed atop Kym’s head. Conveniently, Kym was out of the neck brace and off the stretcher in time to dance. Their sympathy-vote tactic worked, as they received two perfect scores from the judges. Really though Hines, tears? I don’t believe it.

So, who will win Season 12 of DWTS? My bet is on Hines Ward; America can’t resist a Superbowl MVP (schmucks). If I got one thing out of this season so far, it’s that I’ve finally fulfilled my 24-year-long wonderment of what an Asian-Black person would look like. I can only hope that DWTS 13 will bring as much pain and excitement to my life as have the past two seasons.

Unfortunately for all the ABC-faithful, Dancing with the Stars Season 12 is coming to a close. This past week’s semi-finals made for interesting Monday and Tuesday nights, as Monday’s competition heated up and Tuesday we got to watch it all over again, the very next day ,during the live results show. It has been an interesting season, to say the least. (Before I go on can I just say that after 12 seasons we are really scraping the bottom of the toilet bowl for “stars.”)?

Next was Kirstie Alley and partner Max (the Americanized Maksim) whose last name sets the record for having the most consonants in a row. Kirstie did a Waltz in which judge Len Goodman was pleased she didn’t “cling” onto Max throughout, which actually might have been rather entertaining C picture a moose clinging on to a gerbil. I was pleasantly surprised with the second dance, when I expected to see Kirstie dragging herself across the dance floor like an amputee, she was pretty good.

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